The foursome decide to stop by Subway and get a few subs to eat in the car, rather than try to scrounge around the party for food. It is a truly dangerous thing to show up hungry to a party, as a couple of different and dangerous scenarios may come to fruition.
For instance- you may find yourself forgetting to eat entirely which, paired with drinking and any of a number of drugs, may cause you to create a churning, hellish cocktail in your stomach which will only be relieved by vomiting on a stranger’s shoes and mussing your hair. Or, you could become one of those statistic kids that they do 60 Minutes features on who takes too much ecstasy and ends up drinking themselves to a young and tragic death (which will fuel the Bush Administration’s Drug War even further and thus, screw your generation).
Or, perhaps, an even worse situation befalls you- you trust whatever food happens to make its way into the party by outside sources. Though it seems an enchanting and community building experience, a party potluck can be a serious threat to your health. Mainly, this is because the only people who smuggle food into parties happen to a) not wash their nasty dreadlocks for months at a time or b) think that marijuana is truly the best flavor enhancer next to cumin (which may not be so bad, unless you’re already halfway into the first treacherous aforementioned situation..) or c) think that food shared in a community sense should be both spiritually and phsycially “cleansing” and therefore will have you partying in the porta johns all night.
Either way, it is truly frowned upon and generally a part of pure Darwinian preservation to consume all needed sustenance before said party and not at it.
Thankfully for Tevon, Paz, Ingrid and Ian, Baltimore has one of the most concentrated Subways-per-square-mile ratios in the country. It’s the mecca of Jared, the Once Fat Man from Baltimore who slimmed down. It’s a staple of Potheads (due to its vegetarian options and fresh quality), Frat Boys like it for its large portions and meaty meatballs, even Rich Chicks love it for its slummin’ charm mixed with low fat options. Plus, you’re assured that type of employees who act like you’re inconveniencing them by simply breathing and killing their soul by daring to ask for service (a trait that makes every Baltimoron feel at home. Seriously, we are easily scared by kind and effiecient service. This can be clearly proven by the lack of Starbucks in our town. First off, their coffee absolutely sucks major ass and any of a number of our Independently owned coffee shops run circles around it. However, the true nail-on-the-head, so to speak, is that their employees are CONSTANTLY cheerful and gracious. That’s just creepy. Baltimorons view this behavior to be evident of corporate brainwashing and therefore evil. I agree). For these reasons, Subway has become an ingrained response in the minds of Baltimore’s inhabitants. It is the salivation to the ringing bell.
Tevon holds the door open as Paz, Ingrid and Ian file in like zombies and stand in front of the queue. Paz is the first to step up. The girl behind the station is totally ignoring her, talking on her cell phone.
“-yeah well, so I told that bitch that she better get her damn eyes checked, cuz I know she ain’t that ignaint to be hittin’ on mah man right in front in me.”
Her co-worker looks at her, “Oh shit?! You talkin’ bout Taikwonda? That slut be up on your man?”
The other subway lady looks at her and nodds.
“Damn,” her co-worker exclaims, “That triflin’ tramp don’t ever learn, do she?”
Paz clears her throat and looks at her expectantly. Cell phones are such a curse to humanity. I mean, it’s bad enough that I have to hear this shit on Jerry Springer all the time. Damn, lady, get some fucking class and put the damn phone down. Rrrrrr, why do we come here???
The lady looks up at her and continues, “Well, ya see, that’s just the thing. She knows he’s my baby daddy and she don’t even cur. So I just walked up to her and tapped her on her nasty shoulder and when she spun around I grabbed her by her loose-ass weave and shook her silly… CUZ NO ONE FUCKIN’ MESSES WITH MY SHIT GURL!” She threw up her hands and began laughing, triumphantly.
“Excuse me, ma’am.” Paz says, raising her voice. Ian, Ingrid and Tevon are chuckling under their breath.
The lady stops laughing and turns to look at the four of them. Paz stares back defiantly. What? Right? Sorry to break up your phone call and actually make you do your job. The other three try to repress their smiles and laughs.
The lady rolls her eyes, “Sorry, gurl, but I’m gonna have to call you back.” She listens on the line for a few moments, “yeah, I know, for real, gurl. Aight. Peace.” She hangs up her cell phone and turns her attention back to Paz. With the greatest effort to mock professionalism, she says, “Welcome to Subway, MISS. How may I help you today?”
Paz bites her lip bitch. She plays back with fake cordiality, “Yes, I would like a Veggie Patty, eight inch, with lettuce..”
Ingrid turns from the scene and stares out the window, watching traffic until her turn.
Tevon taps Ian on the back, “So, man. I think we got to get you laid tonight. Preferably right in front of Amy. What you think?”
Ian chuckles, “Yeah, sounds great. Just one thing though- how many girls should it be. One, two, eighteen?”
“As many as you want, my friend. You just let me know what you need and I shall get it for you.”
“Thanks, Tev. You’re a true friend.”
Tevon puffs out his chest, graciously. “I know man, just doin’ what I can.” He laughs under his breath, “but seriously, man. She needs to learn her lesson.”
Ian turns back to him, “And just how do you suggest we do that?”
“Hmmm,” Tevon puts his hand on his chin and strokes his non-existant beard in contemplation, “we could get her really trashed and set her up with Well-Meaning Boy.”
“Oh god, I don’t think I really hate her that much.”
“Um, Red Onions, Green Peppers and Provolone, please.” Ingrid says, then turns back to them, “You guys really are too much. We can joke as much as we want about sticking it to Amy, but, in the end, it’s just not worth it.”
Tev looks at her, skeptically. ”Oh come on. You know you think we should take her out, too.”
“Well, yeah. I would like to see her suffer a bit, but that’s just a selfish emotion. I think it would totally be better to take the moral high ground on this one.”
“EX-CUSE me, MISS. Anything else?” the lady asks, annoyed.
Ingrid turns back to her, “Oil, Vinegar, Salt and Pepper, please.”
The lady rolls her eyes and continues assembling the sandwich. Paz comes back to join the conversation with her plastic bag in tow.
“I think Tevon is right, here.” Paz says, matter-of-factly.
“What? You agree with Tev? Am I running a fever?” Ian looks stunned and feigns checking his temperature.
“Oh, shut up! Yes, I do agree with Tevon here. Amy has done so much ill shit to you that it is only karmic that we do something.”
“God, can we please just get off this conversation!” Ian turns away angry.
The lady is staring at him expectantly. “Um hi, sorry. Could I get an Italian Cold-cut on Asiago Cheese bread…”
Tevon shrugs at Paz, “Why is it like we’re the only ones with brains tonight?”
“I dunno. Well, I guess it’s just up to us then. I say we get a bunch of fish blood and chum and go all Carrie on her.”
Tevon smiles devilishly, “Oh, yes! That would be so sweet on so many levels.”
“Oh stop guys, that’s just gross.” Ingrid says, walking over with her bag.
Paz turns and looks at her, “do you have any better ideas?”
Ingrid, “Yes. We leave her alone and just bitch about her behind her back.”
Paz grunts, “that is what we ALWAYS do. No, forget that. We’ll just drug her and sell her to the Amish.”
“Yeah, if all else fails we can always blame the Amish.” Tevon nods in agreement with Paz.
“Ahem. Sir, are you getting anything?” The lady says in Tevon’s direction.
“Yes, ma’am, I am patronizing you today…” Tevon says, with a plastic grin on his face.
Ian wanders back over, his meal paid for. “Maybe we really shouldn’t go tonight.”
Paz stares him down, “Oh, please. You know you want to go anyways, it’ll be part of the healing process. Besides, I really want to see her work. I think it’ll be so Avant-Garde or something.” Paz smiles impishly.
Tevon finishes his order and turns to them, “guys, guys. Let’s not fight. This shall all be made better after we eat and I introduce you to my friend Jose in the car.”
******************
By 10:30 Troy and Amy have arrived at the party and are barely starting to feel it. They enter like red-carpet royalty. Troy is one of the higher-eschelon DJs of the scene and he walks in with the kind of suave self-assuredness that is befitting to this stature. Amy is casually following just a bit behind him, trying to seem uninterested and unimpressed.
Darian walks over from the bar section, “Hey Troy, welcome.” He spreads out his arms to usher them into the space.
Troy strides up to him and puts his DJ bag down. “Wussup Darian, ma man.”
Troy then turns to Amy, “Hey, Amy. How about I show you to your space upstairs. You can check to make sure we hung everything right.” Her offers his hand and she takes it, then he turns to Troy. “You can set up in the Chill-Out room if you want. Jimmy’ll show you where.” He points to Jimmy, who is now manning the bar area.
“Sure thing, ma man, sure thing.” Darian says, then he turns to Amy and slithers his hand on her ass. “I’ll check with you later, girl.” He smiles and walks away.
Amy shudders and looks at Darian. He raises his eyebrows at her, then turns away and walks towards the stairs. We all make our own choices, poor baby. Being a DJs girl must be some tough shit.
Amy follows him up the stairs and into a room that, by stark comparison to the other rooms, is bright and sterile. It is her gallery space and her work is arranged on the walls with an amazing amount of care and proficiency. She walks around and inspects how her prints have been organized and handled.
She turns back to Darian, who is still in the doorway. “Did you set this up yourself?”
“Yes.”
She turns back and continues walking around. “Impressive. I’m really impressed.” It’s starting to hit her.
Darian leans on the doorway. “Well, thanks. I guess that Art History class must’ve paid off.”
Amy giggles and begins to pet her crossed arms. “Yes, yes it has. Thank you so much, I think this will be,” she inhales and exhales, “great.”
Darian looks at her, puzzled. “I’m sure it will be.”
Amy walks back to him, trying to remain composed. Damn stuff. I’m gonna be a total ass soon. But it will be nice, really nice. Soft and nice and sweet. She grabs Darian’s hand and kisses it. “You have done an amazing job. Thank you.”
Darian shakes his head a bit at her definitely on something. Eh, won’t we all be by the end of it. “No problem, Amy. I’m thankful that you offered your work to this space. It’s really gonna give the party another level.”
“You think so?” She smiles at him. “Thanks. Really, thanks. I’m very appreciative.” She strokes his face and smiles. He totally is mesmerized by me. I’m beautiful and he thinks so too and I am pretty and I know he thinks I’m pretty too because he’s pretty and we’re nice. Man, this shit is good. He’s good. And pretty.
Darian stares at her in his haze and smiles. Troy always pills them and brings them out like love-starved angels. He’s so into these vapid chicks. Guess they’re easier to fool.
Amy giggles again, “So, you wanna show me around the rest of the party?”
“Sure thing.” He steps back from her and takes her hand. “How about we check out the Chill-Out room. Troy should be setting up in there.” He begins to lead her out of the room.
She follows him, “No, no. I’m tired of being around Troy. Besides, he’s a big boy, he can handle tonight without me for a little while.” She stops in her tracks. She smiles dreamily and says, “I would much rather you show me around.”
Darian stares at her. Right. Man, she is trashed. He stares her up and down. Not too bad, though. “Amy, I gotta get back down there. People are gonna start showing up soon and I’m kind of the host, if you know what I mean.”
Amy puts on her pouting face and stares up at him with pouting eyes, “Please? I promise, after you can go and ignore me all night.”
“I dunno, Amy.”
She pulls him close to her, “Please. Just show me around?”
Damn. She is so messed up. Not like Troy will care or anything. And she is pretty hot. “Alright. What do you want me to show you?”
Amy smiles and rubs his hand on her hip. This feels nice and electric. He’ll do whatever I want because I’m pretty and he’s pretty and this is yummy and nice and mmmmm yeah great. “Show me the room with no one in it.”
Darian sighs. Ah well, not a bad way to start a night. He grabs her hand and leads her down the hall.
**********************
posted by the ineffable b @ 1:42 AM
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